和平從個人做起:『非暴力溝通』工作坊心得

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10月份的對話新訊息， 慶賀2015年諾貝爾和平獎 : 對話帶來和平。 這次電子報出刊時逢巴黎恐攻事件。世界宗教領袖達賴喇嘛接受德國之聲電台（Deutsche Welle）訪問時，談到13日的巴黎恐怖攻擊，他提醒人們：「我們不能只靠祈禱解決問題。…如果你認為其他人是你的兄弟姊妹，尊重他人的權利，那麼暴力就沒有容身之處。」達賴喇嘛不願老是關注於極少數的暴力極端份子，他更想談解決之道。「如果我們更強調非暴力與和諧，就來預示一個新起點的到來。」

在這個時間點，更顯得非暴力溝通的重要性-和平從個人做起。

非暴力溝通又被稱為「愛的語言」，由馬歇爾·盧森堡(Marshall B.Rosenberg)博士於1960年代提出。他認為「非暴力溝通所整合的有關意識、語言、交流技巧和運用力量的方式，已有千百年的歷史，它們使我們即使在逆境中也能保持對自己和他人的同理心。」非暴力溝通已經在超過65個國家推廣與開展，使世界各地成千上萬的生命得到成長和滋養。2013年3月分朝邦對話新訊息曾介紹”愛的語言” 基礎篇。本月對話新訊息將分享『非暴力溝通』進階工作坊的學習心得。

台灣是由洪玉雪修女以「善意溝通工作坊」推動非暴力溝通。非暴力溝通在中國大陸的推廣早於台灣好幾年。今年在台灣是第一次邀請非暴力溝通中心(Center for Nonviolent Communication，CNVC)的美國培訓師Jim & Jori Manske夫妻到台灣開設非暴力溝通（Nonviolent Communication，NVC）公開班。十月二十一日到二十二日由財團法人朝邦文教基金會、博仲法律事務所和財團法人至善社會福利基金會主辦的「心的衝突」非暴力溝通進階工作坊，向資深的和平工作者Jim Manske及Jori Manske學習運用非暴力溝通於調解工作的方法。

非暴力溝通工作坊「心的衝突 The Heart of Conflict」心得分享

李志強，光原社會企業共同創辦人

兩天的工作坊除了再一次深深地接收到愛的洗禮，同時也見證了非暴力溝通並非只是一種概念或是語言文法，而是一種存在的方式。

非暴力溝通提供了四個簡易的框架來支持溝通的進行。第一是觀察，透過不帶評論的觀察，能夠發現刺激的來源。第二是感受，在非暴力溝通的概念中並沒有所謂的正面情緒或是負面情緒，所有的情緒、心情與感受其實都反映出「需要」有沒有得到滿足，就如同指月的手指，或是駕駛倉的儀表板，我們的心情告訴我們現在的狀態。第三就是需要，也是非暴力溝通的核心。第四則是提出請求，無論是對自己或是對他人，為了更好的豐富我們彼此的生命提出能夠滿足我們需要的請求。

非暴力溝通的目的在於追尋有品質的連結，並且相信人們的需要之間並不會產生衝突，真正會產生衝突的是我們為了滿足需要各自選擇的策略。舉例而言，有人希望能夠更好的學習，因此請求能夠在課堂上錄下老師的指導；但在此同時也有人覺得時時刻刻要考量到有人錄音會讓他無法專注同時有所擔心，反而會造成對學習的影響。透過探詢彼此的需要，促進理解之後再進一步尋找到滿足彼此需要夠好的方案，其實就是非暴力溝通渴望促進的發展。

透過自我連結、同理和真誠的表達，非暴力溝通在以需要為基礎的概念上，逐步建構人與自我，人與人之間的連結。在學習的過程中，Jim和Jorie透過現場發生議題的示範，以及按部就班的引導，引領我們一步一步品味非暴力溝通帶來的價值。

有幾件事情讓我印象深刻。其中之一是為自己做好準備。Jim和Jori把正式開始調解工作前的自我準備工作稱之為「第零步」。透過「第零步」覺察當下自己的感受，以及升起感受背後的需要，並做好調整。Jori分享「打開一個空間讓彼此被聽見」是非暴力溝通運用在調解工作上的意圖。調解的步驟與訓練讓我們開始學習如何有效地促進彼此連結，從初次嘗試時的手忙腳亂，漸漸地發現如果能夠保持著聆聽、同理與連結，的確有機會讓彼此的聲音被聽見。

非暴力溝通不僅是一種概念上可以操作的流程，更是一種時時刻刻與自己和他人建立連結的內在修煉。在Jim和Jori的身上，我們不但看到了非暴力溝通的實踐者如何身體力行，也見證了夫妻之間的相處可以如此和睦。感恩Jim和Jori為我們開啟了一扇窗，我們看見了全然不同的風景；也感恩他們以身作則帶給我們的力量，我們明瞭自己能夠踏實地走在通往那美麗風景的道路上。

鄺麗君 / Lisa Kuang- CNVC培訓師候選人

參加了10/21-22的Jim and Jori Manske夫妻的工作坊，我終於理解了NVC不是知識，不是屬於頭腦的學習而已，它是活生生的存在於我們生活之中。這個體悟讓我決定放下累積幾十年上課記筆記的習慣，全身心的投入於課程之中，這就是NVC所說的臨在(Presence)。課程一開始時；講師都讓我們要透過呼吸並去覺察身體每一部位的感覺。原來那是學習讓我們與自己連結的方式。在與他人溝通之前要先連結，連結自己及連結他人，連結就是同理自己與同理他人。NVC的目的是透過連結，培養友愛關係及與他人協作來滿足自己及他人員的需要。

今年工作期間我遭遇到職場上前所未有的人際關係挑戰，前三個月只能用身心俱疲來形容。現在我認知到我需要用NVC在職場和他人協作，與自己連結並去同理他人。我理解到任何抱怨、批評與攻擊，都是對方在用悲劇性的方式表達他未滿足的需求。這一刻我終於放下了心中的糾結，重新用不同的眼光去看待他人，看到對方未滿足的需要並與對方連結。

我很高興自己已經在Living NVC的路上了。

練友梅/創新教練

問自己：為甚麼會這麼喜歡善意溝通 (NVC)? 因為他是 “讓‘鎖住的心’自由”的利器。自己是個容易有情緒的人，容易被情緒鎖住，就是腦子裡會常常想到讓自己不舒服的那件事，跳不開來。之前，沒有方法，就是發脾氣（主要對家人），母親及先生是最受其的人。由於喜歡與人和睦相處，不喜傷人，每當發完脾氣，就很懊惱！很不喜歡這樣的狀態。

為了讓自己的心能平靜，且與人和睦相處─搞定自己。1997與NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) 結緣，學了八年；接著2006與佛法結緣，皈依師父修習至今。兩者讓我學會了不少搞定自己的方法，也確實搞定了難搞的自己。NLP靠的是調整內在運作的programming；佛法靠的是建立正確的知見，覺察我執，破我執。我常用，也都有效！

很慶幸，十月間，在Jim & Jori Manske 兩位NVC高手的帶領下，領會到NVC在處理情緒上的威力，原本要花半個或一個鐘頭處理的情緒，現在變得只要5～10 分鐘, 最多20 分鐘, 而且明顯感受到情緖的改變，由原本不悅、不爽，變成感恩、歡喜！太神奇了！

NVC為什麼這麼厲害？因為它跳過頭腦，直通人心，我稱它為 “心的溝通＂（Heart Communication)，用感覺與需要做自我連結、做人與人之間的連結，真實+真誠+同理，打動人心！
由於深深地感受到 NVC的好處與影響力，個人決定投入NVC的深化與專業能力的養成，期能幫助更多的人「讓鎖住的心自由起來」，囘到心的靈動狀態，讓創意潛能得以發揮！

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Peace Begins with the Individual: 
Insights from a “Nonviolent Communication” Workshop

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In our newsletter last month, we celebrated Nobel Prize Peace Winner Tunisian National Dialogue Quartet for achieving peace through dialogue. Not long after, the world mourned the devastating terrorist attack in Paris. The Dalai Lama, when interviewed by Deutsche Welle, spoke about the terrorist attack in Paris. He reminded people that “we cannot depend on prayers to solve the problem. …If you see others as your brothers and sisters, respect their rights, and then violence will not exist.” The Dalai Lama wishes not to just pay attention to the extremists; he intends to talk more about resolution. “If we emphasize more on non-violence and harmony, we will head toward a new beginning.” At this point, it seems appropriate to remind ourselves the importance of nonviolent communication – achieving peace through each individual.

Nonviolent communication (NVC), also referred as the language of love, was initially proposed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg during the 1960s. He believed “the way nonviolent communication consolidates consciousness, language, communication skills and using power with others has been in use for over hundreds of years. It allows us to maintain our empathy to ourselves and to others despite adversity.” NVC has been active in over 65 countries, nurturing and helping thousands of people all over the world. In our March 2013 newsletter, we talked about nonviolent communication in “Language of Love—Nonviolent Communication.”   

In Taiwan, Ms. Rosanna Hung has actively been promoting NVC through her “Compassionate Communication” workshops. In China, the nonviolent community became active even earlier. In October, Jim and Jori Manske, leading trainers at the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) held the first accredited workshops on NVC in Taiwan. On Oct 21-22nd , Winkler Partners Attorneys at Law, Zhi Shan Foundation and CP Yen Foundation hosted the NVC workshop “The Heart of Conflict.” At the workshop, participants worked with Jim and Jori Manske on resolving conflicts at work through use of nonviolent communication.

Insights from Participants on “The Heart of Conflict” Workshop

1.    By Jester Lee, Co-founder, Aurora Social Enterprise

During the 2-day workshop, I once again experienced the nurturing power of love. Furthermore, I came to realize that NVC is not just a concept or a language, but a way of being.

The NVC method provides 4 simple contexts to support communication: 1. Observation – observation without judgment to find the roots of the violence; 2. Feeling – there are no right or wrong feelings, just feelings that reflect unfulfilled needs, just like fingers pointing to the moon or the dashboard on the car; 3. Needs: the core of nonviolent communication; and 4. Requests: making requests to ourselves or others to fulfill our needs for a better life
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The purpose of NVC is to find connection with quality with the assumption that there is no conflict between the needs of people. Conflict arises from the strategies we choose to fulfill the needs. For example, some participants may request to make recording of the workshop in order to help them learn more. At the same time, others may feel recording would distract them from real learning. By understanding the needs of others, these participants can try to find better solutions to satisfy all needs. That is what nonviolent communication strives to achieve.

Through connecting with ourselves, empathy and sincere expressions, nonviolent communication builds connection between us and others on the basis of needs. During the learning process, Jim and Jori used real examples to show step by step the use of nonviolent communication and its value.

A number of things left strong impressions for me. One of them was self-preparation. Jim and Jori name the preparation prior to real NVC work as “step zero.” One becomes aware of his or her real feelings and the needs behind these feelings during step zero. Jori shared with us that “opening a space so we can all hear one another” is the intent of using nonviolent communication in mediation at work. The steps and training for mediation showed us how to connect effectively. Although we were confused at first, gradually we learned to keep listening, empathizing, and connecting in order to hear one another. 

Nonviolent communication is not only a process for us to work with, but it’s also an inner practice for us to connect with ourselves and others at every moment in time. From Jim and Jori, we also learned how they practiced their work and witnessed how they communicated with each other so well. I am thankful for Jim and Jori for opening a window for us, so we can see a totally different view. I am also thankful for how they demonstrated the power of NVC through their actions so we could see clearly that we are on the right path to the beautiful view ahead.

2.    By Lisa Kuang- CNVC Certification Candidate Trainer

After attending the Workshop facilitated by Jim and Jori Manske on Oct 21-22, I finally understood that NVC is not a field of knowledge for our brains, but a way of being in our daily lives. This realization made me stop my note-taking habit and immerse myself to experiencing the workshop. That is what NVC calls “presence.” At the beginning of the workshop, facilitators asked us to breathe and to be aware of the feelings in every part of the body. That was how we learned to connect with our inner selves. Before communicating with others, we need to connect with ourselves and others. This connection is our compassion and empathy. The purpose of NVC is to nurture loving relationships through the connection to fulfill our and other people’s needs.

At my work this year, I had encountered the most challenging interpersonal situations. The first three months were very exhausting for me. I now realized that I needed to incorporate NVC to work with others, connect with myself and to empathize with others. I learned that all the complaints, criticisms, and attacks were just tragic ways to express unfulfilled needs. At that realization, I let go of all my inner turmoil. By using a different way to look at others, I saw the unfulfilled needs and decided to connect with them.

I am so happy I have embarked on the journey of living NVC.

3.    By Lien Yu-Mei, Innovative Coach

I have asked myself: why do I like NVC (Nonviolent Communication) so much? It’s because it is the secret for “freeing up the locked up heart.” I am often an emotional person. Sometimes I get caught up in my own emotions, focusing on things that had made me uncomfortable during the day. Before I learned to deal with these emotions, I would just throw temper tantrums (mostly to my family), mainly to my mother and my husband. But I am amicable by nature, so I would feel extremely regretful afterwards. I did not like that at all. 

To calm myself down and to try to get along with others, I started to participate in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) training in 1997. I had devoted myself to learning NLP for 8 years. In 2006, I became a devoted Buddhist. Both NLP and Buddhism taught me several ways to find peace within myself. NLP helped me adjust my inner programming, while Buddhism corrected my awareness to help me release my arrogance and stubborn side. I practiced a lot. And these worked! 
I was lucky to attend the NVC program facilitated by Jim and Jori Manske. Through the workshop, I experienced personally the power of nonviolent communication. The caught-up emotions that required half an hour or an hour for me to calm down only needed 5-10 minutes, 20 minutes at maximum through NVC. And I clearly felt the change of my emotions, turning from displeasure to happiness and feeling blessed. How amazing! 

Why is NVC so powerful? It’s because it just skips our thinking brain and connects to our hearts. I call that “heart communication,” connecting with my inner self and others from feelings and needs. It’s real, sincere, and empathic, a moving experience for me! 

With the new understanding of the power of NVC, I have decided to devote my time to develop my skills in NVC to help more people “free up the locked up heart,” return to the heart’s initial condition, and to release our true potential!